Let Me Write (1): Distraction from the Free-Fall

Alright, the point of these “Let Me Write” series that I’m about to kick off is just to write as freely as I can, especially because these are the thoughts I’ve been putting off thinking about because, well, they kind of frighten me to be completely honest.

Well, four years later, I’m one week away from graduating and I must say—I have never felt more stressed in my entire life.

So fourth year in university passed by like a blur, it honestly feels kind of weird how all I’ve experienced in this last year feels just like one big supercut. Of course, there was the hurdle of finishing our thesis, and I had the most amazing group mates whom I worked with well. Then there was our internships, which was certainly the best few months of my last year. It confirmed a lot of things for me, but also made me discover certain things that I never thought I had going for me.

Cut through all that and now, I’m over here, confident about my goals, with good friends, good music and good books. I never thought I would be able to pick my broken self-esteem up, but I am making huge progress—without being too codependent on anyone. But I’m shedding my past cocky side, because again, I still have so much to learn. And that curiosity is one of the things that keeps me going.

The stressed part comes in when it comes to the job seeking part. God, job hunting can be depressing…at this point, I really don’t want to give excuses but the job market is saturated with corporate positions and not enough clinical positions, which I prefer. Perhaps I may come around working in corporate settings. But for now, let me indulge in my youthful entitlement that will probably last for 30 seconds until I realize I need the money so there’s no reason for me to be picky and shit.

I guess the confusion comes in when you add grad school in the list of my worries, and board exam reviews. So I will have three things to juggle and I’m a little overwhelmed for taking that much. I do have legitimate reason to hesitate taking on corporate jobs because most of the jobs I found are for full time positions, which will clash with my grad school schedule.

I am not discouraged despite this chaos that I am internally feeling. I really am hopeful, and it helps to have a certain plan for what you want to do 5 years from now. Don’t just come up a plan just to bullshit future recruiters. I will never encourage proving yourself to others, but prove yourself for you. Nothing worth having is going to be easy to get.

I am hopeful I will figure something out. I just need some breathing time, adjustment and stronger discipline than I already enforce to myself right now. Besides, it really helps knowing that you’re not alone in feeling stressed, depressed and anxious. So to fresh graduates of 2017, cheers to being young and confused and chaotic and ambitious!

 

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